Another month bites the dust

Honestly, it’s been too long since my last post. I have been writing this post in my head and I am mad at myself for just now sitting down and writing it. My last post was April 2017. Hudson was a not even four months old and I was so grateful. I am still so grateful for my little miracle. He lights up my world and I continue to just look at him and feel so thankful to have him.

But....I am in a different place now. I love Hudson more than anything but I want him to have a sibling.
At the beginning of the summer, Jacob and I decided to start down this fertility road again. The first go around, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and that was what was causing my infertility.  So the first step to start trying again was to have a procedure and make sure that there was not any endometriosis that had grown back. July of 2018 I had that done.
Great news, none had grown back. We were so thankful and really hoping that this news meant that it shouldn’t be as hard this go around. WRONG
We tried on our own until December. In November, I told my OB that I wanted to go back to my fertility specialist and explore my options. At the beginning of December, we met with our dr and decided on the path we would take. There was no explanation for the infertility. (Unexplained infertility, dun dun dun) In the middle of December I started my cycle and on 12/31 I had my first IUI. It didn’t take. I had another one at the end of January and at the end of February. None of them have worked.

This is where I am at now. Wondering why nothing is working and feeling empty. I am relying on a God 110% but I am still struggling. I know it’s normal but I just feel like I have no time to breath. After starting a cycle you go to the doctor on day 3, again a week after that, around day 10 then a few days later to try to pinpoint ovulation then on ovulation day for the IUI, that 3/4 appointments in two weeks and then two weeks to be all in your head about every little pain you feel, every emotion, even when I start eating all my food (which I don’t do). I try and PRAY so hard to not have all these feelings but there is no way around it.
I feel like I should be better about this with this being my second time around this block but it’s different.  It’s hard to put into words but I will try and I post more through this journey.

I know one thing, I would not get through it without God, family and friends.

I am trying to remember this verse and continue to tell myself to be strong but man is it ever hard. If you are going through the same things, just remember there are people out there in the same boat and God has already written your plan.
PRAY, WAIT & TRUST in his plan.
If you have any tips on dealing with the worry and anxiety of it all feel free to share.

1 year ago...

One year ago, two of my best friends got married but that weekend was one of the best weekends of my life for another reason.
It was the weekend our Hudson was conceived. That might be too much information but when you go through infertility treatments you know pretty much down the second when that momentous event occurred. We had been going through treatments for 10 months at the time. Every cycle I had to go to the doctor at the beginning and have my blood drawn and then again about a week later for another blood draw so they could pinpoint ovulation. I then took ovulation tests for a few days so you know exactly when it is happening. This cycle it happened to be that weekend. I got the call on Friday that I needed to take an ovulation test every day that weekend. So the next morning as the girls were getting ready my awesome husband went to the drug store in Georgia, because I didn't carry any tests with me, and got the ovulation kit. I took a test that Saturday, Sunday (before we went home) and again on Monday and bam, I was ovulating on Monday morning.

We then went to the doctor Monday to have our sixth IUI. SIXTH, needless to say we weren't very optimistic of it taking but between God, some good love juju, and two of my other best friends rubbing an fertility stone in Ireland, everything decided to align to give us our precious miracle baby. We of course didn't know for a few more weeks that this would be the one that took but we prayed just like we always did. We waited for what seemed like forever when in reality it was only two weeks. 
Our whole journey to baby Hudson was two years long. It was the hardest two years of my life but I would do it all over again if I had to and I will do it all over again if I have to to get baby #2 when we are ready.
I've said if before but I will say it again, Jacob and I could not have done with this without our amazing family and friends! They were here when we needed them and I know they will continue to be there for Hudson! They probably don't know just how much their constant checking in and just meaningless conversation helped me get through this rough time.
Hudson was totally worth the wait!

#niaw

Today starts National Infertility Awareness Week. 

I am 1 in 8. To begin NIAW I thought I would share our story. Here is is from beginning to end. 

Our Story:

Jacob and I got married July 2013. We decided the following year in May 2014 to stop all birth prevention medication. We found out I was not ovulating so we started Clomid. We got pregnant in November and miscarried January 2015. We waited a month and started Clomid again in March. We got pregnant in April and miscarried again in May. We were referred to a fertility specialist after this. We spent most of the summer running tests and I had an operation to clean out my tubes of pollups. We did our first IUI in August. We did four IUI's with not luck. I had a syst rupture in Jan 2016 and had another procedure to clean everything out again. This time they did laparoscopic surgery and found Endometriosis. We just had our 6th IUI now and are in the two week waiting period.

I have started a group on facebook to encourage women going through the same struggle. Feel free to comment or message me to be added. 

Lord, please show me the Joy and hold me close in your loving arms. 

Here's to 2016...

This year has been the hardest year of my life thus far. I came into 2015 with such joy and hopes of a great year. 21 days later that was all shattered. On 1/21/15, I had my first miscarriage. (If you have read any of my blogs then you probably already know this so just jump down to the next paragraph) Later in April, I learned I was pregnant again and then at 7 weeks I miscarried again. Nothing has been harder then to go through that for the second time. Soon after that we started seeing a fertility specialist. I had a pollup removed in July and started trying to get pregnant again. For some reason, we have not been successful again.We are not sure why but we are continuing to try and not give up.

I want with all of my heart to become a mom in 2016 but I also want with all of my heart for it to be God's will. I truly believe that the reason that I have gone through this incredibly difficult journey is so that I could bring some light to that fact that 1 in 8 women struggle with infertility. 1:8. Scary right. If you have 8 girlfriends, it is likely that one of them is going through it. Are they doing it alone? I hope not!! If I didn't have my support system there is no way I would be able to get through this everyday. I know that I have an army of christians praying for me and I am praying for each one of you that struggles through this. If anyone reading this blog wants to talk to that know's what they Along with my amazing support system that has helped me through this there are also organizations like the Scarlet & Gold Shop that also make it easier. They have a line of products called the Give Grace collection and 100% of the proceeds go to helping couples struggling with infertility. They post blogs and reading their blogs has helped me tremendously. For christmas, I received the Give Grace Necklace.

I love it so much because of what it stands for not just because I struggle with this but because there are so many others that do and this helps them get through it. Feel free to check out their items at http://www.scarletandgoldshop.com/

Here's to 2016!! May God's will be prevail in my life!

Lord, I need you

I was supposed to become a mommy today.... I know that statement is a little bold but I can't seem to get it out of my head. Today is the hardest day I have had to experience in my life thus far. I am so thankful for my faith and my family/friends. If it weren't for that I would not have got through today.

Lord, I need you. EVERY HOUR I need you.

Trust in His timing

Today is Day 1 and Jacob and I start all over today. I hope and I pray that will works out the way I want it to but I am reminded by a friend that my plan is not always His plan! I have to trust in his plan!

I know God is in control and he will be faithful. I also know God put me through this so I could minister to those around me going through similar things and for that I am very grateful. I hope that today starts a journey I will remember for the rest of my life but if it takes longer than I wish Jacob and I will keep on plugging away. My limit has not been pushed by a long shot. I am not giving up yet!

An answer to a prayer...

When I had my second miscarriage, my OB suggested I go see a fertility specialist. We went for an initial appointment to talk about my history and all the ins and outs of what had been going on. I went back for another appointment. During that appointment my doctor found a pollup on my uterine lining. I am going to have an outpatient procedure Thursday to have that removed. I so hope that is the answer to our prayers and once this is fixed we will be able to carry a child to term.

I know there are several women out there that are going through the same thing. Hold your head up. All of this is God's plan. We might not know why this is happening right now but we will when we are looking back. I pray that you all are dealing with this by praying and are getting answers to your questions just like I hope this is the answer to my prayers.